I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
He did a backflip because drugs
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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