we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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