Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
