did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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