I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
