She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize