Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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