Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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