If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
