Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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