alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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