I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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