We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
