I am spending my child support on dildos
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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