I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Randomize
