apparently the secret to your success is patron
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
