oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
