I can text with my tongue
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
