I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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