I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
try to milk me bitch
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
