I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
as a side note pls kill me
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
