life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Randomize
