Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
