I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
