Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
