She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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