I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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