FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
