I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
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