im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
There r osticjed everywhere
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
