how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
