you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
