My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
