mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
