How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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