i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
