News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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