i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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