Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
