dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Randomize
