How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
