I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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