Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
