yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
