I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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