i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
