So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
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