I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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