Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
