oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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