You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
