im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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