how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
