College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Randomize
