it's too hot outside to masturbate.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
