I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
My vagina just clenched in fear
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
