I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize