you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
