Pappa wants mamma naked
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Who died my cat blue again?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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