i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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