I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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