he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
