I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
