as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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