I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
