I got chris browned last night
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
