i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
